Shipping outta Loserville

If I've learnt anything in the past 29 years (and between you and me, sometimes I do wonder just how much has sunk in) it is that nothing goes the way you think it will.

Now I'm not sure if this is the case for everyone. There are probably plenty of you out there who are doing just as you always imagined. Whatever that was. But I'm just as sure there are at least a few of you who, like me, every now and then, look around and go 'What the hell happened here then?'

And it is not to say that I would take back any of the things I have done; or choose to do anything differently. Well, maybe I would have been a bit more careful when I was following that brand new Audi in my 1984 Suzuki Alto, but that nasty woman deserved it in the end anyway. And perhaps I could have given a bit extra in my first year maths paper, but how much further would have a bit of algebra gotten me? (Rhetorical question thank you).

It has been an interesting journey revisiting my old life in New Zealand. Seeing my family again; properly meeting baby Beth; laying eyes on the shining faces of my wonderful friends who constantly amaze me with their strength and life, in every little way.

But for a while there I had a bit of a loser rain cloud hovering above my head.

I don't know if this was always the case, but my funny little country of birth seems to be obsessed with weddings, babies, buying houses, and DIY television programmes. And it kinda makes it hard when you're not doing ANY of these things. Don't get me wrong - I love a good bit of DIY as much as the next person. I had a great time installing the dishwasher at work. But it isn't the same.

Sometimes when you are different, you feel like you are somehow not doing things right. But the other day, as I was driving a country road which bordered a great big blue canvas of sky, with Kings of Leon screaming out of my half wound down window, I realised something.

Just because I don't have a mortgage.... Just because I can't e mail around the most recent baby photos..... Just because there isn't someone out there that thinks I'm the best thing since sliced soy and linseed.... Just because I'm not spending my weekends deciding whether eggshell or terracotta would go best in the en suite... None of this makes me anything less than the next person.

And maybe it will take me a little bit longer than that 'next person' to find my hermitage by the seaside; and a Ted Hughes to go inside. A DIY proficient one.

But whatever happens (and we all know it wont be what we imagine) I'm certainly planning on having some great adventures along the way.

And so I fought the doubt monsters and won. Again. Of course I'm the one that creates them, so they are smart, tactical and a wee bit devious, but they have a terribly short attention span. Bless 'em.